At speed dating night, Bryan Bachelor must learn to navigate the three types of dates: too crazy, not crazy enough, and just right. Not that he wants to play this game of Goldilocks. Nobody does.
But Bryan promised his friend he’d do it. Some friend, who left with a sexy date on his arm after the first round.
A posh bar, an over enthusiastic MC, and a sea of strangers drowning their sorrows with a free drink. Bryan just wants the clock to ding so he can be one date closer to calling it a night.
At least he has choices—blond, brunette, and ginger.
If you enjoy quirky humorous erotica, be sure to read Speed Dating Night.
SPEED DATING NIGHT
Bryan Bachelor promised Phil, his coworker and occasional after work buddy, to go speed dating tonight. After three rounds, Bryan had too much merlot and not enough havarti cheese and ritz crackers. But all the alcohol in the world wasn’t enough to loosen him up.
The woman across from him was cute, if a tad desperate. She wore a low-cut white blouse with a black bra underneath. Her makeup was layered on so heavy, she was three steps short of being a circus clown. An attractive version of Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, but with an annoying snort in her laugh every time she told a joke. Bryan pretended to laugh too.
Her perfume mingled with the potpourri of perfumes and colognes in the bar. It was like a candle shop, but more dangerous to the sinuses. The lovely expensive smells mixed with the cheaper, gas station variety perfumes. The result was a mishmash that was worse than any individual odor. Bryan sunk his nose into his wineglass, just to have a little relief.
Every five seconds, he glanced from Mimi’s small and perky rack to the massive digital clock on the stage, counting down the minutes to the next switch. Only three minutes. He could survive. But then the timer would start again. This was a long night already. Phil already scored on his first round, and left with his arm around a blond woman’s shoulders (she wore tight black leather pants) and her hand on his ass. Lonely, and more than a tad jealous, Bryan kept his head low and tried to ignore the flood of other speed daters. At least it was an even mix of men and women. He’d worried there’d be too many women desperate for company and sex. Or worse, the event would be a sausage-fest.
He’d had no idea what to expect. Were there a lot of single people in the big city? Did they really spend Friday nights speed dating? The answers to those questions were yes, and what-the-fuck yes.
The bar itself was posh and cozy, more of a British-style pub than an American place. The massive mirror behind the bar made the crowd seem even larger, a sea of strangers drowning their loneliness with one free drink and a little company to numb the sting of being single. The maroon colored carpet was littered with broken peanut shells.
The heavy, dark varnished wood chair creaked every time Bryan shifted his butt a little. When he opened his mouth, he only managed a creak before Mimi prattled off another slapstick comment, and then he pretended to laugh again. Which only made her laugh even louder, as if she were trying to break his wineglass with her high-pitch squeal.
He had no idea what Mimi’s real name was. The sticker name-tag pressed against her left boob was indecipherable. Maybe an E, or a J, the rest was round and flowing scribbles. Bryan certainly wasn’t telling her what his last name was, for fear of what joke she might make.
Finally the clock’s alarm dinged like a microwave. Time with Mimi was up. The event MC, a flamboyant man in a perfectly tailored tuxedo and greased back hair, grabbed the microphone and announced the time was up, as if the alarm wasn’t enough notice.
Bryan waved goodbye to Mimi and zoomed off to the next table for his next date. She was a blond. The next one down was a brunette. After that was a redhead.
A little of everything, at least. He just wanted the night to be over.
Mimi screeched goodbye, and then swallowed the next sucker with a nasally laugh.
Bryan sat down in front of the blond. Her name-tag read Olivia in large sweeping cursive, and she had drawn three little hearts underneath. Her hair was curly and frizzy, and stuck out as if she had just rolled out of bed. She wore a loose hot pink tank top that revealed just about every mole on her tanned chest. As far as Bryan could tell, Olivia wore no bra. Her teacup sized breasts poked through the fabric of her shirt, hinting at the nipples.
She extended her hand out for Bryan to kiss, five shiny and mismatched bracelets on her wrist jingled. She kept her other hand under the table. Her beer glass was drained, only the suds left.
Bryan introduced himself, but only squeezed her hand. He tried to pull his hand back, but she held on. Be friendly, he reminded himself. Don’t look at the clock. Oops, too late for that.
Something about this woman’s perfume smelled off. Musty, actually. Then just below the constant din and rattle of the bar-life, Bryan heard a vibration.
He casually rubbed the inside of his ear with a pinky finger. Maybe Mimi damaged his eardrums.
Olivia clutched at his hand, squeezing tighter than he liked. She leaned forward, giving him a great view of her breasts, all the way to the pink nipples. Her face brightened red, thick lips rounded in an “o” and her eyes fluttering fast.
Her other hand was still under the table.
Bryan reconsidered what that vibrating sound might be.
“So, Olivia,” he said. “What’s your favorite music?”
She licked her lips. “Oh, anything hot and heavy.”
“Something that makes my hips shake.”
“Okay.” Bryan wanted to take his hand away, but that felt wrong. At the same time, he wanted to say something sexy, but that seemed too cheap. He always thought speed dating meant a lot of short dates with lots of people all in one night.
Apparently Olivia took speed dating to mean another thing. Cut all the crap with dating, and go straight to the big orgasm, without even bothering to figure out who’s place to go to.
Bryan cleared his throat, and took another sip of merlot.
“You’re cute,” Olivia said. She muscled his hand closer to her chest. Not like it took a lot of strength, she could’ve punched Bryan and knocked his lights out, his defenses were so low. “I mean, really cute.”
“Umm, thanks,” he said.
The vibration under the table sped up a notch, and then another. Olivia’s eyebrows fluttered and she rolled her eyes into the back of her head.
“So,” Bryan said, “what are your hobbies?”
After a shudder that jiggled her hair about her face, she refocused. “I like hard hobbies. Long and hard.”
“The kind that require double A batteries, clearly,” he said, more to himself than to her.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Olivia said. “I like the real thing too. But it’s not like I can carry a real one inside me everywhere.”
“And the real one doesn’t vibrate twenty-four seven.”
“Exactly!” She squeezed his hand even tighter now. Another orgasm shuddered through her body, her shoulders bunching up, chest turning bright red.
The smell of wet pussy was embarrassing, and at the same time intoxicating. Like a bad joke that you should be ashamed of every time it’s told, but then you tell it anyways. Bryan was disgusted, ashamed, and turned on by Olivia’s behavior.
His prick told him so. And the equipment never lied about what turned Bryan on.
“So,” he said. “You want to get out of here?”
Olivia clucked her tongue and shook her head. “If I said yes to that question for every guy, I’d never get to leave my bedroom.”
“Fair enough. But come on, you gotta say yes to some lucky bastard here.”
“Oh, you’re sweet,” Olivia said. “I don’t have to go home with anyone to get off. Speaking of…” She scrunched her brows tight, and lowered her head onto the table, hair covering her face, a tiny moan escaped her throat.
Bryan rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “But there must be something I can do to convince you.”
She raised her head slow. “Well, there is something. But you might not like it.”
“You don’t know. Hit me up.”
Olivia took her hand away from his grasp. She sat upright, with one arm behind her head, the vibrator still doing its magic down below. “You have to lick my armpits.”
“What? Wait…” Well at least her pits were shaved, but still.
“If it’s my pussy you want in your face, and my nipples in your mouth, and my ass pressed against your pelvis.” She poked her tongue out and licked her own underarm. She giggled, and looked straight at Bryan. “If you want all that, then you can lick my armpits.”
“I… I don’t know what to say to that.”
The vibrator cut off. Olivia crossed her arms over her chest. The hand that had been doing the deed was slick and shiny.
“Is this negotiable?” said Bryan.
“Nope,” Olivia said. “And our time’s up anyway.”
The giant ridiculous alarm clock buzzed.
“But…” Damn, he wanted her, and Bryan didn’t know why. The crazy ones were always bad choices, and sitting across from a bad choice, he figured he could live with the consequences.
“Nope,” she said again, looking away and flipping her hair to cover her face.
Bryan stood up slow, afraid of showing the world his massive erection. It was gone. Just as well.
The brunette waited at the next table.
Not crazy enough…
Bryan glanced over his shoulder, to make sure Olivia just wasn’t playing hard to get. She already had one hand between her legs again, and was focused on the next poor bastard. Oh well.
Not only had she gotten him rock hard while only touching his hand, he had a little precum inside his underwear. The tip of his pecker was wet and a tad uncomfortable, and now he was determined to get laid here. He could do this.
The brunette tight-lip smiled as Bryan sat down. She was pretty, with straight shoulder length hair and an oval shaped face with high cheekbones. Her name-tag read Melissa, in simple all-cap block letters. She wore a light blue turtleneck shirt with long sleeves, baggy enough to cover her shape without looking sloppy. No earrings, bracelets, or rings. The only jewelry on her was a standard Citizen watch. Next to the gigantic yellow leather purse was an untouched lime soda drink with no ice. The bendy straw was in backwards, with the bent side touching the bottom of the glass.
The ridiculous clock was wound, and started ticking. Melissa’s smile persisted, as if she weren’t sure what to do with her lips now that Bryan had sat down. Friendly, but not warm. A tad fake.
He folded his hands on the table in front of him, The dating jitters felt a little more real, now he was turned on. The possibility—the hope, really—that he was ending the night rolling around in the sack with somebody was real.
“Hi,” said Bryan.
Melissa parroted the response, and then fidgeted with her watch.
Well, this was a great start.
“What’re your favorite hobbies?” Bryan said, looking her in the eye and smiling back at her. He made his smile sharp and toothy, just enough to be sexy and toned down enough he could be friendly if things turned out wrong. Maybe she was tired of getting Olivia’s castaways, and just needed some proper warming up. She made no response, except to sip from her soda. Well, shit, Bryan could’ve thought of a better opening line.
Melissa shrugged. She looked away, and took another dainty sip from her soda. “I like horses,” she said at last.
“Awesome,” he said. “You enjoy riding?”
“All the time.”
Bryan had no idea if she was being cute or serious. He hoped for the former, prepared for the latter. “What do you like about riding?”
Maybe he should’ve added the word “horses” to the end of that phrase. Melissa didn’t seem to notice the gentle double meaning. Her face was a perfect mask, with a cute mouth and a button nose. Could he give her a good time? Did he want to?
She seemed a little spacey for a moment, and then refocused on Bryan. “I like the freedom,” she said at last. “The wind in my hair. A beautiful creature beneath me.”
“So you like riding outdoors?” Bryan made the words sound serious, but with a curl in his smile in case she really did get the double meaning.
Melissa tilted her head and stared at him funny. “I rode PJ around the stadium during 4H. But that’s not really the same.”
“Do you do bareback riding?” he asked, fishing for something nice to say. He instantly regretted the phrasing.
“Oh, no,” Melissa shook her head. The way her hair flitted about her forehead was kind of cute. “That’s dangerous.”
“I see,” Bryan said. “But doesn’t the idea sound fun? A wild animal between your legs, with a hint of danger?”
“I’m not sure what your idea of fun is,” Melissa said, matter of factly.
“I’m not sure either, some days.”
She took a long careful sip from her soda. The silence hung like an awkward… fuck it, Bryan had no word for how awkward this speed date was. He knew he had his own struggles at coming up with things to say. But Melissa just wasn’t helping at all.
Instead of feeling attraction or lust, Bryan felt sorry for her. The mood was dead.
He reached out, grabbing both her wrists. After some fumbling, he held her hands in his.
“Melissa,” Bryan said. “You’re a beautiful woman.”
“Thank you.” She visibly brightened. “You’re not bad yourself.”
Bryan bit his lip, and then gave her the best sexy glare he could come up with. She leaned forward a little, blushing at the cheeks and neck.
“You’ll find a wonderful man,” he said. “Maybe even tonight, who knows. Although,” he glanced to one side and whispered, “be careful with the men Olivia there is throwing away.”
“Huh…” said Melissa, with a quick look at the blond woman. Olivia was still masturbating while holding a poor schmuck’s hand. The new guy was visibly nervous, red as a beet and staring a hole in the table. “You know, all the guys tonight have been a little weird. No offense.”
“My point is,” Bryan said, “just be yourself. Mr. Right will be attracted to who you are.”
“You’re such a sweet man.” She untangled one hand out of his, then grabbed the straw in her soda and took a sip. Her eyes zipped back to the guy at Olivia’s table. “You think he’s into horses?”
Bryan patted her on the hand. “You’ll have to ask him. Maybe he has a hobby you’d enjoy.”
“Umm,” Bryan said. The alarm clock dinged and the MC announced the time.
Bryan wished Melissa a wonderful night, and moved on to the next table. The redhead waited.
Bryan thought her name-tag was indecipherable at first. Curvy lines and scribbles that made no sense. But when he sat down, he cocked his head and realized the tag was on upside down.
Linda was the redhead’s name. He introduced himself. After the pleasantries, they stared into each other’s eyes and fell silent.
Not awkward. Bryan liked looking into her beautiful brown eyes. Linda had her hair tied in a loose ponytail, and wore eyeliner, lipstick, and only enough blush to give her pale skin some color. Her purple tank top fit snug around her body, making her hand-size breasts look bigger than what they probably were. She had an easy smile, and looked him straight back in the eyes.
She was fit without being too skinny. He wanted to see her standing up, but he imagined her having nice, shapely thighs and hips.
“I’d ask what your hobbies are,” said Bryan, “but I feel like I’ve asked that a thousand times tonight.”
“Ha,” she snorted. She twirled a lock of hair with one finger. “Don’t bother. I keep changing my answers to that question.”
“Fair enough,” he said. “Let’s put it this way. What would you rather do than speed date tonight?”
“Honestly? I’d probably be binging on ‘90s sitcoms. You know, Seinfeld. Home Improvement.”
Linda snapped her fingers and bounced up and down in her seat. “Damn it! I miss Drew Carey! I loaned out my DVD collection to a friend and never saw them again.”
Now here was a woman Bryan could appreciate. Someone who understood old references and liked classic shows. He leaned forward on his elbows. He bit his cheek, knowing he should keep his expectations in check. But deep down, he was excited for no explainable reason.
“I’ve got all the seasons,” he said. He paused, and rubbed his chin. “Might be a little premature, but you’re welcome to borrow them. Or, you know, come over and watch them.”
Linda glanced at him askance, her eyes roaming up and down his body. “I’m sure we can come to an arrangement.”
Bryan laughed a little. He couldn’t help it. “So why aren’t you binge watching ‘90s shows tonight? Instead of this.”
Trying to beat the stupid giant clock, he wanted to say.
As if reading his mind, she shot a glance at the giant ridiculous alarm clock. Linda shrugged one cute bare shoulder. “A friend dragged me to this. And then she had the balls to leave me high and dry, when she hooked up with a tall, swanky stud.”
This time, Bryan and Linda laughed together. “Same story here,” he said. “My buddy left with a cute blond.”
“Was she poured into a pair of tight leather pants?” Linda asked.
“Yeah,” Bryan said slowly. “And she looked real comfortable with Phil.”
“That was my friend Gloria.”
“The same who has Drew Carey hostage?”
“You got it.” Linda sighed. “I keep her around because I usually get lucky when she takes me out on the town.”
“Any luck tonight?”
He touched her on the back of the hand. Just a light touch, which turned into hand holding. Linda had nice warm hands, smooth as warm sateen. He imagined what it’d be like to have her hands on his body.
“So,” Bryan said. “Our friends ditched out extra early. Want to follow their lead?”
“I follow nobody’s lead,” Linda leaned forward, giving him a nice view of her cleavage. “But I think we’re both done here.”
Bryan didn’t need to be told twice. He stood up, then walked around to her side of the table and helped her up. Linda tucked her hand inside his elbow, and they walked right past the stupid clock and out the door.
He kissed her on the ear and said, “Your place or mine?”
“My apartment is empty,” she said. “And it’s across the street.”
“Works for me,” Bryan said. He felt light headed and more than a bit dizzy with excitement. Disbelief creeped into the back of his mind. Was this really happening? Was it really this simple with Linda? The traffic light wouldn’t change fast enough.
When it did, Linda had no problem keeping up with his quick steps. She kept glancing at him and squeezing his arm. Once they were across the street, she kissed him on the shoulder.
Then she pointed to a flower store on the corner. “Above that shop,” she said.
Linda opened the side door with a key on a dangly chain, and led him upstairs a narrow flight of stairs. At the top, she turned back to him.
She smiled shyly. Cute as hell, but Bryan sensed a problem. “Is it okay if I have second thoughts?”
“We just met,” he said. “Sure, I’d be disappointed, but you’re the lady in charge.”
“Do you have a condom?”
“Came prepared to speed dating?”
“A man has to hope,” he said, shrugging. “We can just binge watch TV and see how the night ends.”
“Sounds like a dangerous plan,” she said. “I like it.”
Linda unlocked her apartment door and yanked Bryan inside. She wasn’t lying when she said it was empty. Calling her place a studio was being generous. Just a small room with white painted walls, shaggy green carpet that might’ve been left over from the ‘80s, and a kitchenette in one corner. Under the one window was a futon on the floor. Opposite from that was a big screen TV.
“Nice place,” he said.
She shut the door behind her. “Don’t be coy.”
“Really, I like this. Simple, to the point. My kind of woman.”
Linda flopped down on the futon and flicked on the TV. She patted the spot next to her. Bryan set his keys, wallet, and phone beside the futon and sat next to her. He put his arm around her shoulders. To his pleasant surprise, she snuggled right in.
She turned on Seinfeld.
This was definitely the strangest speed dating night he’d ever done. Not what he expected.
Bryan hoped the night wasn’t over yet.
After five episodes of Seinfeld, Bryan had to push Linda off, because his arm was falling asleep. She had been still the entire time, with her head nestled in the crook of his neck and her elbow temptingly close to his crotch. He was hard from the opening segment of the first episode to the end credits of the last. He rubbed her arms now and then. His fingers were so close to her breasts, he wanted to lightly pinch a nipple to see how she’d react.
But Bryan played the gentleman and enjoyed the shows. Not difficult to do, because he was honestly enjoying the evening with Linda.
He made a show of rubbing blood back into his arm. “Should we call it a good night? Or you up for more?”
“It’s already been a good night,” she said. “How about we make it a wonderful night?”
Bryan liked the sound of that. He smoothed her red hair behind her ears. Cupping her face, he brought her closer.
Then he kissed her. He prepared for a quick smooch, hoped for a lot more. At first it was only a meeting of lips. Bryan pressed his tongue against her teeth. Just the tip, to test the waters. Linda grabbed him by the shirt sleeves and climbed on top of him, straddling her legs around him.
She jabbed her tongue in his mouth. He slipped his arms around her waist, and reached around to cop a feel. Linda had a firm, bubbly ass. The feel turned into a squeeze. He couldn’t quite force himself to let go. She tugged him by the hair and continued making out with him.
And then she shook her hips. Bryan was uncomfortably hard. No way she didn’t notice him poking at her.
He grabbed the bottom of her ass, bringing her body heat as close as possible. He was frustrated by her skinny jeans. He wanted to press a finger into her folds and explore every inch.
Linda carefully unbuttoned his shirt, one painstaking button at a time. The love making was slow, sweet, and bothersome like an itch that couldn’t be scratched. Eventually, Linda stripped Bryan to the waist and tossed his shirt aside. She lightly scratched him across the shoulders and down the chest. He lifted her shirt. Her skin was baby smooth.
Linda stopped the kissing abruptly, leaving him panting for more. Crossing her arms at the waist, she lifted her shirt the rest of the way and pulled it off, revealing her black bra.
Bryan held her at arm’s length for a moment, just to enjoy the view. She ran her fingers through her own hair, beaming a smile that was too precious for words, like an angel sitting on his lap.
“I didn’t expect speed dating to end like this,” he said.
“Nobody does,” Linda said, a crafty quirk lifting in her brows. Before Bryan could make a lame joke about the Spanish Inquisition, she tugged at his belt.
They hastily removed each others’ pants. Kissing, scratching, pinching the entire time. He removed his briefs and black socks. She did the work of taking off her own panties.
And then she pushed him flat onto the futon. Then she straddled her legs around his head, shoving her neatly trimmed pussy to his mouth, and went down on him. She teased his tip with her wet tongue. Bryan didn’t need much encouragement. He held her by the hips, and lapped at her folds.
With two fingers, he opened her and licked at her exposed clit. She was already wet and tasted sweet. Linda had him by the balls and licked him up and down the shaft.
He dived two fingers inside her, which forced a cute squeal out of her. Her tunnel was pleasantly tight and slick. Bryan felt around inside, curling his fingers slowly. Linda tensed up and then relaxed lazily top of him. She swallowed his cock, breathing heavily through her nose, but every time he tickled her G-spot, she stopped sucking and only rubbed her tongue across him.
And then her pussy contracted. Linda gag screamed around his cock, and a small gush came out of her pussy. She sat upright, pussy pressing down gently on his face as she wiggled around. Bryan lapped at her juices.
Linda rolled off of him. She was faced away, giving him a nice view of her bubbly ass. One of her bra straps had fallen down. She panted, and half turned to him. Her face and chest were bright red with exertion. “Oh my,” she said, cupping a hand to one breast.
Bryan sat up and moved toward her, grabbing her by the waist. She didn’t resist. He pulled down the other bra strap and kissed her on the shoulder. He reached around her for his wallet, and got the condom. A minute later, he was ready for more adventure.
Then he bent Linda over and rubbed her pussy to get her wet all over again. She didn’t take much coaxing. She white-knuckle gripped the edge of the futon with both hands.
He plunged his cock inside her. A perfect fit. Tight without being uncomfortable. He shook his hips Elvis-style. Linda squirmed and squealed underneath him. The temperature of the apartment seemed to heat up another five degrees. Bryan’s skin was hot and tingly. Sweat pored down his back. Linda was hot and sweaty too. Her hair was tangled and falling over her face.
He clutched her hips, holding her still. Then he pounded her as hard and fast as he could. If her neighbors were home, they almost certainly heard the skin on skin slapping sounds. Surely they also heard Linda’s moans and half muffled screams. They probably heard Bryan smacking Linda’s ass hard enough to leave a handprint.
Maybe Bryan should’ve left the TV on.
But he wasn’t about to remedy that. A little part of him enjoyed the thrill of being caught.
Linda turned her head around, a pleading look in her expression. Her makeup was a mess. So was her hair.
Tension built up in his balls. There was no stopping it.
A wild idea popped up in his brain.
Right as he was about to blow, he pulled out. He snapped the condom off. Bryan barely had to stroke himself. He popped a creamy load on her back, stream after stream. Just kept coming. So much he wasn’t sure if his orgasm would end.
When it did, he collapsed face down on Linda’s futon. She fell on top of him.
“Why did I avoid speed dating for so long?” he said.
She kissed him on the nape of the neck. “And you can keep avoiding it now,” she said.
“Good,” he said. Bryan liked the way Linda teased her fingers across his ribs. He also liked how her leg was pressed into his crotch. He fell asleep with her on top of him. When he woke up, she was no longer there. But he heard the shower running.
And that was the end of speed dating, and the beginning of the best sex in Bryan’s life.
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