Humpday Story: The Birthday Sandwich

TheBirthdaySandwich_Coverv1Amy prefers her birthday to be simple. Pot of coffee, the newspaper, and a quiet morning alone in her birthday suit. She’s content to wait for the hubby to return from work before celebrating. But things don’t go her way when the doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a policeman on her porch.

Officer Tim McNaughty isn’t what he appears, although in another career he’d make a swell Elvis impersonator.

If you’re in the mood for humorous menage MFM erotica, be sure to read The Birthday Sandwich.



My birthday started the way I wanted it. Quiet, and alone. Brian the hubby went to work as planned, I made a pot of Arabian coffee strong enough to explode a small animal, and settled down to catch up on the news. I love having ink-stains on my fingertips from the daily paper. I laid back in my favorite leather reclining chair, with my favorite U of M mug, and the doorbell rang.

Which was a problem.

Because I was ass naked.

My breasts aren’t exactly perky anymore, but they were naked too.

Didn’t even have my wedding band on.

Seriously, what kind of person rings a doorbell before eleven o’clock in the morning? I grabbed the first thing nearby that could cover my body—the blue velveteen blanket draped on the back of the sofa. The damn thing was slick against my shoulders and didn’t seem to want to stay put. I wrapped it tight and stumbled to the door.

The bell rang again, twice in quick succession. I unlatched the chain and opened. Outside a policeman in blue uniform stood, one hand on his gun, a brown manila envelope in the other. He wore black tinted shades.

“Can I help you, officer?” I stammered. My pulse raced. I felt weak at the knees. I was afraid I’d drop the blanket. Policemen are my kryptonite. They have a way of both scaring me and making me feel safe.

But something was wrong with this guy. Why was his hand on his gun?

He had thick black hair, curly on the sides and back, and long sideburns. His chin and upper lip were rough with stubble. He might’ve made a decent Elvis impersonator. He might’ve been old enough to buy a drink.

“I have an arrest warrant,” he said, baritone voice unnaturally deep, like he was overacting. “For a Mrs Amy O’Kelly.”

“That’s me,” I said, stepping back, away from him. “I want to see your badge.”

He removed his hand from the gun. He slowly removed the badge on his chest and held it out for me to see. It was the right color, copperish, but it was dirty and tarnished.

I laughed. The blanket slipped a little, and I tried my best to pull it back in place without showing more skin. “What kind of joke is this? Did you get the badge from the drug store?”

“This is a serious matter, ma’am. I suggest you cooperate, or there will be consequences.”

“Then I want to see this arrest warrant!” I wrapped the blanket even tighter around my shoulders. My skin felt prickly hot under the material.

The officer opened the manila envelope and whipped out a piece of paper, which he handed to me. I struggled to keep the blanket wrapped around me while opening it enough to stick my hand out.

It was a letterhead of my husband’s ad agency logo. Sloppy purple cursive script covered the page. My husband’s handwriting. Telling me happy birthday.

And to enjoy “my gift.”

The officer cracked a smile.

I looked past the handsome man on my doorstep. No cop car in the driveway or on the street.

“I’m Officer Tim McNaughty,” he said, jingling the silver handcuffs on his belt. The guy was a terrible actor, but my pussy already got creamy just thinking about those handcuffs.

“But officer,” I said, pitching my voice higher to sound a little like a ditzy housewife. “I don’t understand this arrest warrant?”

“What?” he said. “Oh, uh. It’s for indecency. A concerned citizen reported that you run around the house naked.”

“What do you mean? Naked house running is a crime?”

“I’m afraid so. There’s one of two ways we can handle this.”

“Am I in trouble, officer?”

“Big trouble, ma’am. Could I step inside?” The young man tried his level best to look and speak earnestly. He scratched the back of his neck and chuckled. A good sport, as long as Officer “Tim”—or whatever his real name was—had fun, I could have some fun too.

With hubby’s permission to boot.

I opened the door wider and stepped aside. “Can I get you some coffee, officer?”

Tim stepped in the door and took his shiny dress shoes off, revealing his black socks. He tore off the tinted shades, showing me his baby blue eyes. I glanced at him up and down. He was tall, but not gangly. Well toned, Tim almost certainly worked out, but he was no body-builder. 

I led him to the kitchen, and poured an extra cup for him. “Cream? Sugar?”

“Yes, please,” Tim said.

I stirred in a little cream and sugar for him and handed him the cup. Tim accepted it with a quiet thank-you and took a sip.

He spit some out his nose. “Oh God,” he said. “Is this stuff radioactive?”

“It’s my Chernobyl brew,” I said.


“Never mind, sweetie.” I patted him on the chest. Definitely well built, Tim was quite smooth and hard with muscle. My hand lingered a little too long.

Long enough to make him blush. I wanted to ask if he’d ever been with a cougar, but decided to keep the policeman act going for as long as possible.

“You can’t charge me with a crime,” I said. “I’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Not according to the complaint I’ve heard,” Tim jingled his handcuffs. “I understand you’ve been very naughty. Running around the house in the buff for hours at a time.”

“Me? I’m an angel. I’ve never done anything criminal in my life. Except for… Well I shouldn’t tell you about that.”

“About what, ma’am?” Tim was as serious sounding as a surfer dude in a five-hundred dollar suit. He braved another sip of coffee, only twitching a tiny bit in his neck muscles. “Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you.”

“But have a look around, officer!” I stammered. “I’m not naked at all. I have this blanket wrapped around me.”

“Oh? But what’s underneath the blanket?”

“Nothing… I mean, nothing you’d want to see.”

Tim leaned in close, face right at me ear. I smelled his potent coffee breath, along with the luxurious cologne he wore. A sort of wispy, heady musk that made my head spin a little.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” said Tim. He ran a finger down my neck, catching on the blanket and pulling. I let him. The blanket fell open, revealing my everything.

I lay bare to this stranger, a man who couldn’t have been out of college quite yet. I wondered where hubby had found him. If Tim was being paid. I decided I didn’t care.

“Guilty as charge,” Tim said.

“You said there’s two ways to resolve this?” I said.

He straightened his shoulders, clearing his throat, and adjust his belt buckle. “Yes, ma’am.”


“I can throw you over my knee and spank you.”

“Uh oh. What’s my second option.”

Tim leaned in again, pressing a hand to my chest between my breasts. “Or I can handcuff you to your bed and torture you until your husband gets home.”


I pressed Tim’s warm hand flat against my skin. He gazed at me with a steady poker face, all business except for the quirk of his upper lip. The velveteen blanket slid off my shoulders at last, letting a cool breeze brush my backside. I was thankful for my decision to take a shower first thing this morning.

Even more thankful I bothered to shave my legs and privates. Most off-days, I let that slide, preferring to be lazy.

Today was certainly shaping up to be a lazy ass day.

“Perhaps you can punish me in the bedroom?” I offered.

“I’d like that,” Tim said. “I mean, uh, I have to enforce the law somewhere, ma’am.” He smiled meekly, the lip curl turning upside down, knowing full well how lame that comment was.

I hooked two fingers in his collar and brought him down level with my face. “Two things first,” I whispered in his ear.

“Anything, ma’am,” he whispered back.

“Stop calling me ma’am. I’m Amy, not your mother.”

“Check.” He smirked like a bashful boy at the high school dance. “Amy.”

“And I have a strict no-socks policy in my bedroom. Especially black socks. No offense.”

“None taken.” Tim lifted one foot up and stripped off a black sock, and repeated the motion for his other foot. I grabbed both socks and tossed them on the floor, near the refrigerator. “Sorry I’m a lousy actor,” he said. “I’m an accounting major, not a theater major.”

“But you’re a good sport,” I ripped the policeman’s hat off his head and tossed it on the kitchen counter. Between the socks and the hat, Brian would know things had gone well with Tim. “Perhaps we should get you out of that silly costume?”

He cupped my cheek with one hand, and leveraged me with his other hand on the small of my back. Then he kissed me. Just a tame, simple peck on the lips. I grabbed him by the upper arms, squeezing the firm biceps, and broke open his lips with my tongue. Tim responded, playing tongue tag with me and sharing another taste of my toxic coffee.

I broke the kiss first, right as Tim reached down and goosed my ass with a quick pinch. I grabbed and pulled his arm close to my body like a teddy bear, right between the breasts. His fingers dangled dangerously close to my lady parts. Before he could say, “Wait a minute,” I dragged him to the staircase.

And up. To the bedroom. I hadn’t made up the king size bed this morning. Oh well. Easier to throw the sheets and blankets up and pretend it’s made. Just as easy to pull the sheets back down again.

I bent forward and smoothed out the rumpled mess, giving Tim a view of my goods. He used the opportunity to smack me across the ass, hard enough to leave a stinging sensation and maybe even a handprint. A hot, pleasurable wave rippled through my body. I eased my backside toward Tim, bumping him in the crotch.

Tim touched me on the elbows, lifting me into him.

“Quick question,” I said.

“Anything, Amy,” said Tim.

“How does Brian know you?”

Tim cleared his throat, dropping his voice low as if trying to impress me. “I was the summer intern at his office. We’ve gotten to know each other well over since then.”

I turned around in his arms, and then kissed the dimple in his chin. I massaged his shoulders. “Sounds like he trusts you. I mean, he must, sending you here for me to play with you.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” Tim relaxed a little under my kneading fingers. “He was a cool guy to work for.”

“But, you know,” I wrapped my fingers behind his head and pulled him closer. I spoke softly in Tim’s ear. “Brian doesn’t just let any young man play with me.”

“Oh?” Tim chuckled. His hands got brave, and found their way up my waist and across my ribs. “I feel honored.”

“You sure you want this, Tim?” I pushed him away, arm’s length. “I’m not firm and tight anymore. Well, you can see that.”

“I knew I wanted this when Brian first showed me your picture.” Tim kissed me on the forehead, a ginger light touch of wet lips. “But I have to confess something.”

I stroked his jawline. “Anything. You can whisper in my ear if you want.”

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, and bit his bottom lip. “I’ve never done this before.”

“Been with a woman?”

“No,” Tim shook his head. “Never been with a coug—with someone your age.”

“Gotcha,” I said. “Well, perhaps I can teach you a few things.”

“I’d like that.”

“Ever been in a threesome?”

“No,” Tim shrugged. “But I’ve thought about it a lot. Just never had the opportunity before.”

“Well, Tim,” I said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I looked up at him. “If there’s anything you don’t want to do, just say so. Brian and I are an open minded couple, and won’t judge you.”

“Thanks. Really.” Tim pushed my hair behind my ear, making me feel pretty. “I feel so lucky to have this opportunity.”

“Now now,” I unhooked his belt buckle, causing him to jump a little in his pants. “This isn’t a job interview. But you do need to take off your clothes.”

“Is this another strict rule of your bedroom.”

“Yes, it is. Letting you come in here with this many clothes on was a one-time deal. Sort of a beginner’s offer, to let you get comfortable.”

“What if I don’t get comfortable?”

“Then I’ll put some clothes on and we can have coffee together. Would you like that better?”

“Anything but your coffee. Please, Amy.”

“That’s what I thought.” I opened Tim’s pants and let them fell to his ankles. His boxers were green and blue striped. I pulled them down as well. He had a lovely shaped member, still flaccid, with a fat purple head and a heavy sack, and fresh trimmed in a neat pencil thin strip of hair that pointed to his belly button.

Tim did the honors of taking his shirt off. No six pack, but he was firm in the abs and his pecs had a lovely shape that made cupping his chest fun. I scratched my fingernails down his sides, across his tickle spots apparently because he tried hard not to jump out of his skin. At his hips, I barely avoided touching his junk. Tim sucked in a fast breath, and his limp cock twitched just slightly.

I leaned forward and kissed his stomach. And then planted little kisses down his skin, closer and closer to his member. I stopped right at the end of his landing strip of hair.

“You like?” I said.

“Yes,” he murmured. “Very much.”

“You’ve been a very bad cop. I don’t know if I can count on you to punish me for my reckless nudity.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, honey.” I kissed him on the thigh, my cheek just brushing against his penis. I smiled up at him. “Just relax and show me a good time.”

I licked the smooth skin down his thigh, brushed my lips across his cock, and kissed the other thigh. Tim rose to the occasion, his heavy member lengthening and twitching alive. I tilted my head, and kissed the base, letting him lay across my face.

Then I went lower. To the sack, and sucked in one ball. I licked it and made slurping noises. Tim squirmed, moaning deep like an animal. I spread my legs wide, and played with myself while pleasuring Tim. He massaged my shoulders, keeping me down at cock-level. My back muscles relaxed and melted like butter beneath his fingers.

I kissed my way up his throbbing shaft. At the tip, I found a nice little surprise. A little drop of precum. I wrapped my lips around his head and slurped his salty mess.

“Oh God, Amy.” Tim squirmed his hips. I grabbed his ass cheeks and held him still as best I could. Wasn’t easy. Especially when I ran my tongue up and down that long cock, licking him up like a popsicle.

I pressed a finger against my clit, rubbing in slow and lazy circles. Just enough to feel good, to grow the sexy sensation building in my body from head to toe.

Tim didn’t stop massaging me. I glanced up, to see how the guy was doing. His eyes were slitted, looking down at me, mouth open in round O-shape. I smiled up at him. Tim smirked like a kid in a candy store, with his fingers in the free sample dish.

I went down on him, swallowing that piece of meat whole, rubbing my teeth all the way down his shaft. Tim shuddered and gasped. Finger pressed on my clit, I took him in and out with my mouth. Up, down, up. A little bit further each time. A little faster, but no hurry. I moaned, slobbering all his cock, completely lost in moment.

A knock at the door broke my reverie.

I spat out Tim’s cock and sat up straight. Brian stood at the door, untucking his shirt, one hand behind his back.

“Were you starting without me?” Brian said. He revealed what he was hiding. A small pink shopping bag. “Would you like your other birthday present now?”


Tim stepped back, pulling his beautiful cock away from my lips. I sat up straighter, throwing my shoulders back, and grabbed him by the shaft so he couldn’t slink away too far. He seemed unsure of himself suddenly, shoulders hunched, biting his lower lip.

I smiled up at him, and then glanced to Brian. “I would love my other present. The first one was wonderful.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Brian said. “If she mistreating you, Tim?”

“Treating me better than expected,” said Tim. “Gotta say, I didn’t really know what to expect.”

Brian held the pink bag open for me. I reached inside, still holding Tim by the dick. I pulled pink fluff paper out of the bag, dropping it to the floor, and then found the real gift.

Gifts. Three of them actually. A bottle of lube, and two vibrating cock-rings.

“Ooh,” I said. “Me likey.”

“You still want to do this, Tim?” Brian asked.

I rubbed my thumb against the sensitive part of his head, and he twitched in my hand.

“I’ve come this far,” Tim said. “I’m ready.”

“You haven’t come yet,” I reminded him with a fast lick up the shaft. He shuddered, sighing heavily when I pulled away. I rolled over on the bed, waiting for the guys to make the next moves.

Well, I didn’t exactly wait patiently. I stuck a finger up my pussy and pumped a slow, lazy motion, curving my finger against the G-spot. Brian took off his shirt and pants much too slow, but he was already hard and ready. Probably hard all day just thinking about all this.

Hard day of work. Ha ha ha.

He removed the cock-rings from their packaging and handed one to Tim.

“Lay down on the bed,” said Brian. “So she can get on top of you. There you go. And turn on the vibrator.”

I pressed the button for Tim. The cock-ring made a loud buzzing noise, like an angry insect attached to his member. I straddled Tim, reaching around behind me and pushing his cock inside my pussy. He slid right in. I was already wet for him. I put my hand to his throat, as if I were strangling him, and kissed him.

“Hi there,” Tim said.

“Hello,” I said, and nibbled at his lower lip.

The vibrator made a lovely, steady throb against my lady parts, hitting the clit just perfectly. I wiggled my hips against Tim, letting his cock slide around against my tunnel walls. The combination of vibrator and his shaft hitting my G-spot made my toes curl.

And then a cool, wet mess of liquid dribbled into my ass, and Brian poked a finger inside, getting the other hole lubed. The sensation put me nearly over the edge, and I had to stop shaking my hips. I bit my lower lip, clenching my jaw. My pussy walls tightened around Tim, and he moaned. He pinched my nipples, furthering the rush of near orgasm.

I flipped my hair and peeked over my shoulder in time to see Brian squeeze the lube over his cock. The liquid ran down his shaft like slow moving rivers. He stroked himself up and down, and then placed the cock-ring on.

He turned on the vibrator, the two cock-rings competing against each other for who was most noisy. I arched my back, giving Tim better access to my breasts, which he took advantage of. He squeezed both girls tight, digging his fingers in my flesh.

Brian grabbed my hips tight and plunged inside my ass. Slow, easy, letting the lube gel and warm up to my tunnel. I couldn’t help but moan and shiver. The bottom half of my body felt full with both guys’ big dicks inside me, a sweet violation that sent warm goosebumps up my spine. I wiggled and squirmed, enjoying how the two cocks touched different places yet were so close together.

Tim wrapped his fingers through my hair, pulling me close and intimate with him. His eyes were half shut, and he breathed fast.

And then Brian pumped me, slow and steady. Just enough to make the bed squeak. Enough to make Tim gasp. I tucked my head on the young man’s shoulders, and he put an arm around me, holding me close to his body heat. Our odors mingled into one sexy, animalistic smell. Tim started bucking his hips, matching Brian’s rhythm. The two cocks moved inside me, almost in unison.

The difference in timing just drove me crazier. The vibrator on my ass would hit, tickle me and let go for a second, and then Tim’s vibrator would strike my clit. I let out a scream.

Brian bent over me, kissing my shoulders, and grabbed my forearms, pinning me on top of Tim. My senses blurred. A hand here, a hand there, but hard to tell who did what. Both men were warm to the touch, like I wrapped in an electric blanket.

I struggled against the men, trying to get out of this damn sandwich. My squirming just encouraged them to pound me harder. Brian would increase his pace, and then Tim one upped him, which only made Brian work harder. I was trapped in the middle, screaming my head off and begging for…

Release… To let me go? To make me come?

I didn’t care, I just wanted more.

I wanted to buck my hips with them, but my motion was limited. I tried to leverage myself so I could press down harder on their cocks.

“Please,” I said. “Please… Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

I yelled words that even I couldn’t comprehend. And then I bit down on Tim’s shoulder. An orgasm exploded through me, shattering me and pushing me over the edge. I hung on to the bedsheets, to Tim, and yelled for more.

And quick as lightening, a second orgasm ripped. My entire bottom felt wet and slick with juices.

The guys didn’t stop.

Not until Tim tightened every muscle. I felt his explosion first, filling my pussy with his hot come. His sprays didn’t seem to end, just one after another after another. Brian didn’t take long after, and my ass got filled.

I lay between Tim and Brian afterwards, catching my breath. My body glowed from the heady rush. Both men panted from exertion.

“Thank you,” I whimpered. “Both of you are amazing men.”

“No,” Tim said, turning on his side to face me. “Thank you.”

Brian patted me on the bottom and leaned over to kiss me. “Happy birthday, honey,” he said.

Copyright © 2020 Hermit Muse Publishing

Cover image © Vojtech Vlk/Dreamstime

Thank you for reading! If you would like to purchase this story, you can find it at your favorite retailer. Or feel free to leave a tip with the PayPal button below.

Author: David Anthony Brown

Indie writer and publisher. Among other jack-of-all-trade skills...

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