Humpday Story: The Sexy Umbrella of Doom

Rain marks the beginning of Charley Vaughn’s vacation. The kind of rain fit for an epic nap interrupted by coffee breaks. But no matter, Miami offers Charley endless fascination.

Magical fascination, as it turns out.

Talking dogs, alligators singing opera, and street magicians. And one sexy umbrella that purrs like like a kitten when opened.

One look upwards into the transparent blue plastic, and Charley finds herself walking on the clouds with a strange and alluring man. Soon enough, they do a lot more than just walking.

If you enjoy quirky and humorous erotic fantasy, be sure to read The Sexy Umbrella of Doom.

***

In the rain

On Wednesday evening, despite the downpour, Charlene Vaughn felt like she was walking on the clouds. Tomorrow began her long needed vacation. She packed up her legal brief and memos into her messenger bag, hooked her magical umbrella on her forearm, and headed down to the lobby.

The rain started at three in the afternoon, and didn’t seem to want to let up. Rained cats and dogs, maybe literally. Charley wouldn’t have been surprised. In her three weeks of living in Miami, she witnessed at least one magical event per week.

Always small, yet wondrous things. A man who pulled a hot dog out of his sleeve, and gave it to a homeless guy. A dog who talked in short, mostly one word sentences. (He liked the word yes, for some reason.) The world’s smallest alligator, which fit in the palm of a woman’s hand and sang high pitched opera.

Maybe the hot dog man was just a regular street magician who did nice things for people. Maybe the alligator was only a ventriloquist act.

But dammit, that dog was mighty convincing.

Aside from watching Burn Notice, Charley had no idea what Miami was like until she moved there. She never expected this. Miami was full of amazing secrets and wonderful magic. Granted, she hadn’t yet experienced the summer humidity, or lived through a hurricane, or had a real alligator swim in her pool. But Miami was just freaking cool in so many ways.

She hadn’t quite expected it to rain so much though. Today, it was a steady downpour that thumped against the office windows in a constant rhythm. Charley wanted to take a nap. Coffee helped. So did a dinner of left over pasta with marinara sauce, heated up in the microwave.

She waited at the revolving door in the lobby, hoping the rain would stop. Or at least slow down so she wouldn’t get so wet.

Charley wasn’t dressed for getting wet today. She wore a navy blue pinstripe suit, with a short skirt three inches above her knees, no pantyhose, and a thin pink blouse that revealed a fair amount of cleavage. Her waist length blond hair was pinned up into a tight bun. Her navy pumps were in one hand, a pair of soft leather flats on her feet.

A leather messenger satchel was slung over her shoulder, full of all the legal briefs she’d been working on.

On her opposite arm, the magical umbrella of doom hung over her wrist.

Charley didn’t really believe it was magical. Who would think of a making a magic umbrella? Of all the silly magical items.

But the Cuban lady who sold her the umbrella insisted it had powers from the great beyond, or something like that. She had a rather broken accent, and it was hard to tell what she was really saying. Plus, Charley didn’t speak a word of Spanish, which didn’t help matters at all. Four years of French in college helped some, but not enough to get past the Cuban lady’s thick accent.

All Charley could tell for sure, was the umbrella was cute. Very sexy. She had to have it, even though at the time the weather man had been predicting sunshine all week.

It had a sleek wooden handle, maybe walnut, stained dark and smooth to the touch. The wires made a soft popping sound when opened, almost more like a purr if done slowly. And the top was a transparent blue. She thought a lot about looking up and watching the rain pelt down on the umbrella. She imagined the pretty streaks of rain water as seen from underneath, tinted blue.

Or, at least watching that in much calmer rain.

This rain smacked against the windows with a vengeance, like a thousand people tapping on the glass in rapid fire unison. The street outside was like a swimming pool. Charley half expected an alligator to swim by any moment now.

She wanted to leave work. Go home and stop thinking about intellectual property law for a change. Maybe watch some TV, with a little popcorn, and flake out with Rosa Bean the tomcat without having to worry about anything at all.

Sounded nice.

And once she scooted Rosa Bean off the bed for a bit, she could load up a porn DVD and lube up her vibrator.

That sounded really nice.

She squeezed her thighs together, thinking about that a little more. Which porn would she watch? Clearly, with this stormy weather, this was a wonderful night to spend with Trey Longchamp, her favorite porn actor. He was tall, well muscled, but not overly bulky like some of the meat-heads porn studios cast.

And he seemingly always got paired with pretty blonds. Women who might’ve been stand-ins for Charley when she was in college, if she’d had a boob job.

But now, in her mid-thirties, Charley had no hope of ever being in a porn, except maybe as a MILF, which didn’t appeal to her at all. At least she still had the right hair color for Trey, and that’s all that really mattered for her late night vibrator fantasies.

The rain let up, a little anyway. Charley stuffed her pumps into the messenger bag and pushed at the revolving door. Once outside, the cool mist of the rain steamed off her hair and skin.

She opened the sexy umbrella, enjoying the little purr sound. Then she looked up. The rain still fell, and it made beautiful streaks down the umbrella top. The patterns had a life of their own, like a shifting one-color kaleidoscope. It was like looking up at a stained glass window.

She imagined what people driving by might think of the crazy blond lady looking up into her umbrella. But she couldn’t help but stare, at least for a minute.

Besides, she was too old to give a shit what people thought of her. She had firm legs and a well shaped ass, which was more than enough to get her laid now and then. And she made more money than every one-night stand she ever attracted, even in the nicest clubs and bars she ventured into.

Charley was her own damn woman. She could stare up at her so-called magical umbrella if she wanted to. And then she had a cat to go home to and feed. And then a pussy to feed after that.

The air felt calm. Breezy, with the mist of hot rain. Then the rain’s vengeance returned, stronger this time. Drops fell like tiny comets, pelting against Charley’s legs.

She stopped looking up into her umbrella like a doofus, and ran. Water splashed around her ankles as she managed to step her feet into every puddle on the sidewalk. She was parked in the public ramp two blocks over, the best place she could get without parking privileges closer to the office. Those privileges would come with a partnership, and that wasn’t even a reality for a long time yet.

So much for the umbrella being magical. The faster she ran, the more wet Charley seemed to get.

She was soaked through. Her bun came undone, long strings of hair got into her eyes. The suit probably needed to be dry-cleaned now. Even her panties oddly felt wet.

Which, in a way, felt kind of stimulating, though a bit embarrassing.

The vibrator at home was suddenly all the more enticing.

She just needed to cross the street and turn down the alley to the parking ramp.

Crossing the street wasn’t so bad. She made the crosswalk with a little time to spare. And then the alley wasn’t far after that. Her suit stuck to her now, hopelessly wet. She may as well have taken a dive into a swimming pool with her suit on. At least she wasn’t dumb enough to insist on wearing her heels to her car. They would’ve been ruined for sure.

Whoever thought of putting the entrance to a parking ramp down a dark alley needed to be sued. Badly. Tonight, the alley seemed extra dark.

Her eyes needed a moment to adjust to the dim light. The rain was less harsh here. But she didn’t close her umbrella yet. If nothing else, she could use it to fend off an attacker. She closed a fist around the pepper spray in her jacket pocket anyway.

At least the parking ramp door wasn’t far. Just a few steps, and she’d be dry and in better light. 

She stole one more glance upwards at the droplets running down her umbrella. A streak of lightning flashed overhead, followed by a clap of thunder. The blue plastic of the umbrella seemed to turn a lighter shade in the lightning. A cool breeze whisked her legs and up her skirt.

When she looked down again, the alley was gone.

Her brain couldn’t make sense of what just happened.

Instead of a dark city alley in Miami and wet pavement, Charley stood on a cloud.

A big, white fluffy cloud that spread out to the horizon.

She spun in place a few times. The air was crisp. Her head felt light. She thought she should be scared, but she wasn’t. Charley laughed. 

Maybe laughter was a defense mechanism. In the back of her brain, she thought that was funny, to be thinking about defense mechanisms while standing on a cloud with a magical umbrella.

She couldn’t help it.

And then she got kind of serious.

“Well, shit,” Charley said. “How the fuck did this happen?”

In the clouds

“Hey!” said a man. “Want to watch the language?”

Charley spun around. Nobody had been behind her, or anywhere near her, just a moment before. But sure enough, there was now a man lounging on a fluffy divan made of clouds. He wore red sateen pajamas. The top three buttons of his shirt were opened, revealing a smooth and well muscled chest. He sported a gruff beard that was little more than a glorified five o’clock shadow. The tops of his bare feet had dark hair.

The guy was no Trey Longchamp, but he was definitely hot. His black hair was slightly long and curled behind his ears. He had smooth green eyes, the kind Charley could get lost in.

And then he smiled.

His smile was lazy, like an after-thought with cute dimples and white teeth. 

Charley melted a little. She didn’t want to, but she couldn’t help it. It was like being in a cheesy romance story. Or better yet, a cheesy erotica story. Except if Charley were writing the story, the guy would be played by Trey.

This guy in front of her would have to do.

Oddly, an umbrella matching the one in Charley’s hands lay near his feet. Water droplets dripped off his umbrella and soaked into the cloud. 

“Fuck no,” said Charley, returning the smile. By comparison, her smile felt a little weak, like she was trying too hard. But it still felt good. Being in the clouds certainly loosened her up from her normal lawyer-self. “I’ll say whatever the shit I want.”

She thought about closing her umbrella, given it wasn’t raining up here. Instead she twirled it above her head. 

The guy frowned, but his dimples were still there. Then he stood up and walked toward her. He made no sound as he moved, but then he was walking on a fluffy cloud. He was a head taller than Charley. Up close, he smelled wonderful, like he’d just gotten out of a bubble bath.

She glanced down. The front of his pajama pants bulged upwards at her. He was clearly well endowed. Perhaps not as big as Trey, but then again few men had porn star cocks. Charley had reasonable expectations in bed. But this guy in front of her probably came close to the outer limit of her normal expectations.

Charley wanted to find out.

He held his hands in front of his waist. A failed attempt at covering himself up, and he seemed to know it by the wicked curve of his lips.

“You can’t even help it,” he said.

“What?” said Charley. “Stare at the tent pole in your pants?”

“No, silly. Curse like a sailor.”

“Oh, that too.” Charley shrugged and stepped away. Sure enough, he took a step towards her. She held out her hands, palms out. “Look buddy, as far as I’m concerned, I blacked out in the rain and am now having some kind of weird coma dream. So I’ll freaking curse if I want to.”

That made him laugh. He had a cruel yet gentle laughter, one that sort of rumbled from his belly and came out with a sigh. 

“That’s precious,” he winked at her. “But you can’t help it. I can prove it.”

“Wanna fucking try me?” She emphasized the word fucking. She wasn’t entirely sure what he was trying to prove either. She wasn’t entirely sure she cared. 

He took her by the hand. He was warm to the touch, palms sweaty enough to be slick. He gripped her firm, but not too strong. And then he led her to the edge of the cloud. 

Charley really didn’t want to look down. Really, really. One of her one-night stands had tried to convince her to go sky-diving with him, which she quite firmly turned down. Looking out the office window at the street below was bad enough. Seeing a satellite image of Miami on her laptop made her nervous within the comfort of her own living room. 

Even without sort of glancing down, she felt the overbearing need to pee. Which would’ve been funny, given she was high above the ground standing on a cloud. Charley laughed hysterically and covered her face in the man’s shoulders.

He patted her on the back as if to comfort her. 

“See,” he said. “Told you.”

“Told me what?” She sob-laughed against his smooth pajamas. “I didn’t curse when I looked down below.”

He shrugged one shoulder against her face. His neck blushed, which made his smirk all the more amusing.

“Yeah,” he said, “not sure what I was proving either.”

“You’re a weird man,” Charley said.

“Mostly I just wanted to say hi.”

“Hello,” she said. Then she pushed him back away from the edge of the cloud. “So, umm, how did we get here?”

“On this cloud?”

“Yes.”

He thought for a long minute, scratching his chin and clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. 

“Truth is,” he said slowly, drawing out each word. “I have no idea. I was in the rain with my umbrella, and I looked up and then…”

“Here we are,” Charley spread her arms out. “Same thing happened to me.”

She liked the way his eyebrows arched upwards while he thought. He seemed deep in concentration, like he was trying to remember something, or think of something snappy to say. Charley didn’t want to disturb him. So instead, she watched.

“My name’s Hunter,” he said at last, then nodded his head, smiling widely.

“Charley,” she said. 

“You say you were in the rain, with your umbrella?” He stepped a little closer to her. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and inhaled his scent. He touched her lightly on the arm. “I was in Miami for the weekend, looking for an apartment. I walked back to my car, then bam! Downpour.”

“Miami? That’s where I’m from.” Charley twirled a finger through her hair, which wasn’t wet anymore. In fact, she hadn’t noticed until now, but she felt dry and cozy. She glanced down at herself.

“Oh God,” she said.

She was dressed in red sateen teddy, the same color as Hunter’s pajamas. 

“I know, right?” said Hunter. “Seems like a long ways down.”

“What? Oh. Not that. My clothes.”

“Oh,” he snorted in contained laughter. “Umm, yeah I was wondering why you were out in the rain in that.”

“I wasn’t.” Charley bit her lip. What was going on? Her lip hurt from being bit. This couldn’t be a dream and feel so real. 

Hunter sat back down on his cloudy divan, which happened to be big enough for two to sit comfortably. He patted the spot next to him. Charley looked at him askance, uncertain of what to do next. He was attractive, for sure, even if a bit weird and lacking in social skills. But from all the dates she’d been on and the all the guys she’d met in clubs, Charley knew how to spot a true creep. Hunter wasn’t dangerous. 

Charley snapped her umbrella shut, then sat next to him. He slipped an around her waist, above the hips. Polite enough, but close enough to make the gesture less polite if the situation turned that way. Charley snuggled into his embrace.

Somehow, it just felt right. It was stupid and unexplainable, but it was very much right.

She snuggled her head against his shoulder. 

“So,” she said. “Since we’re literally in the clouds…”

“And this never happens in real life, right?” he said.

“And won’t ever happen again, we can safely assume.”

“Wanna do it?” he said.

She laughed. Any other situation, she would’ve turned him down, or at best given him the run around to make sure he was genuine. 

Besides, it was as if he read her mind.

She answered him by grabbing his pajama shirt in one fist and kissing him hard on the lips. He stiffened at first, both in the pants and in the shoulders. Then he loosened up into her kiss, and held her close. His body heat warmed her. His breath tasted like peppermint and coffee.

When they parted, Charley glanced around as if to look for any onlookers, which would’ve been silly given where they were. To her amazement, the clouds parted some under their feet.

Now they were on a fluffy cloud island, surrounded by an ocean of sky with a rather stark and beautiful view of the ground far below. 

Charley wasn’t scared anymore. Not of falling.

She was already fallen anyway. 

The rain kept coming…

Charley tore open his top, the buttons popped off rather easily, as if they were made to be popped off. They bounced along the cloud’s surface, and then fell through. She suppressed a giggle at the thought of buttons falling from the sky. She wondered what else might fall, or drip, through the cloud.

His chest was firm and smooth to the touch, with only some light hair above the collarbones. Charley kissed him starting at the neck. Never before had she been this adventurous so quick, even on one-night stands. At least with the one-nighters, she’d get a drink and some light hearted conversation. Here, on this cloud, with this man, she felt frisky enough to cut straight to the punch-line.

And Hunter didn’t seem to mind too much. He tensed up as she kissed downward, past his collarbone and to his nipple. But he massaged his fingers across her shoulders and down her back. She felt his heart race with her lips. He wiggled and squirmed when she tickled his ribs.

And then he inhaled and exhaled deeply, and ran his fingers through her hair. He held her close while she traced her tongue across and around his nipple. 

Leaning against him, she could feel him stiffen between her breasts. She made a move to kiss down his body.

But he took her by the shoulders and pushed her away, holding her at arm’s length. They stared at each other for an intense moment. Charley licked her lips, hoping like hell this was just a bump in the road and not the end.

Hunter slid off the divan and got down on his knees. He pushed her chest, motioning with his eyes that she should lie down. Charley obeyed, almost trance-like, and settled down on the cloudy floor. The cloud was softer than carpet, without the nasty burn, and fluffier than the best pillow. Right at the moment her back touched the billowy surface, she wondered if her panties were still wet from being out in the rain. She still felt a little wet down there, but the warm kind of wet.

When Hunter placed his head between her legs and ran his tongue across her slit, Charley realized she wasn’t wearing panties anymore. Figures–if this were a dream, which it must’ve been, it’d only make sense she changed from a business suit to a teddy and forgot her panties in the blink of an eye.

That’s how dreams worked? Right?

And if this were a dream, it was a dream come true given how talented Hunter was at oral.

He took his time with her and knew exactly how to touch her and when. A little pressure from his tongue on her labia. The feel of his stubble on her smooth skin. His rough fingers caressed the insides of her thighs. He opened her petals with two fingers. He found her clit with his tongue. Her body was tense with electricity and at the same time perfectly relaxed. When he entered her pussy with his middle finger, she gasped. She loved the way he played, how wonderfully his finger fit inside her, and how magical other parts of his body might feel. He curled his finger against her G-spot.

The first orgasm was sweet.

Charley wrapped her legs around his head and gazed up into the blue sky. Her body sizzled with heat. Pressure built up within her pussy, until she couldn’t take anymore. And then she squirted into his face. 

That didn’t stop Hunter. He continued softly licking and fingering her. 

Right when Charley was bored with him eating her, he lifted her into his arms. And then held her close, playing with her hair and kissing her. 

“I think it’s your turn,” Charley said in his ear, surprised at how husky her voice sounded.

“My turn?”

“On your back.” She smacked his shoulders with both hands.

He complied. Charley tugged on the drawstring of his sateen pajama pants, as if she were opening a gift. He waited with his arms tucked behind his head, impatience in his eyes. She teased him by tugging on the front of pants, then by tickling his waist. His lack of patience wore thin. Hunter helped her undress him with a final sweep.

He was just the right size, exactly as Charley imagined. Not freakishly big, like some of the porn actors. Not as big as Trey Longchamp. But big enough for Charley. She savored the sight of his cock in her hand, and cupped his balls in the other. She loved the thin streak of trimmed pubic hair. A little bit of precum wetted his tip and dripped down the shaft. He smelled wonderful.

Charley went down on him. She felt like a slut and a sweet lover at the same time, going down on this strange man in this strange circumstance. The feeling was weird and alien, but familiar at the same time. She licked him from tip to balls, so slowly, teasing him with her tongue and teeth. 

Before he could climax, she took him by the cock and straddled him. Squeezing him with her legs, she slid him inside. The way he stretched her was perfect. Just the right size and shape, he filled her in a way she never imagined a man doing for her. Normally, Charley required a sex toy to feel quite this good.

Charley pulled her teddy’s straps down, revealing her breasts for him. To her surprise, her boobs seemed… bigger. Not unnaturally larger, but fuller and as firm as they were when she was younger. 

Hunter wasted little time in reaching up and grabbing them with both hands. He covered them, pinching the nipples while she rode him.

Sex hadn’t felt this good in so long.

Like they already knew each other’s bodies. Already knew how to please one another. Like they were made to fit each other.

Charley rode him even harder. Faster. She had to have every inch of him. She threw head back and screamed in pure pleasure. 

Hunter rubbed her clit while she fucked him. The pleasure intensified a notch. The second orgasm peaked and rattled her body to the core. 

And then another orgasm rocked her. When the shock wore off a little, yet another jolted her. Her pussy tightened on his cock, then spat him out with a gush. 

Charley collapsed into his arms. Her scent was all over him, and his scent was on her. 

He massaged her back muscles. Just being held close felt wonderful while the afterglow wore off. She craved more, but didn’t feel physically capable of it yet. Just a little rest.

She closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, she was standing upright. In the rain. Soaked through to the skin. 

Her body still felt the glow of great sex, from the tips of her hair to her toes. She grabbed her breasts–they were the correct size and shape within the bra she put on this morning. Charley even reached up her skirt and felt her wet panties clinging to her curves. 

She was back in the alley next to the parking ramp. She had her satchel and the umbrella above her head, blue tinted streaks running down above her, as if nothing more had happened than a lovely daydream. 

It was like being yanked out of a warm bath and tossed into a freezer. She longed for Hunter’s touch, and half hoped he was somewhere nearby, looking for her.

She wasn’t done with him yet. Her heart ached. Hell, her pussy ached. It felt like she really had sex just now, with all the scents on her and the sore thighs from riding Hunter.

A Trey Longchamp video no longer sounded like a wonderful way to spend the evening. 

But neither did sleeping alone after being with Hunter, even if that only happened in Charley’s mind. 

She sighed, bit back an unexpected sting in her eyes, and walked into the ramp to find her car. A hole was in her heart. She had no idea how to fill it. Charley didn’t know if she wanted the hole filled, after what she had experienced on the cloud in her magical daydream.

No real man like Hunter existed. Did he?

Epilogue

Her vacation went by faster than she wanted, but not fast enough. Charley longed to find Hunter in her dreams, to maybe recreate that experience in the rain with her umbrella. But during the entire week, no rain fell, and there was not even a cloud in the sky.

On the last day of her vacation, Charley decided to stop pitying herself. 

She grabbed the umbrella, even though the forecast called for more sunshine with only a very slight chance of precipitation, and headed to the supermarket. She wanted pasta with homemade marinara sauce and mushrooms. Perhaps garlic bread and a mixed salad. 

She was spending this night alone, so dammit she was making the most of it.

Once Charley had the shopping cart loaded with everything she needed, she returned to the front of the store.

And her heart rose into her throat.

There, right front of her, was a dream come true.

A man who looked like Hunter from behind stood in the checkout line. He was less dreamy perfect than the man on the clouds, not as tall or as broad shouldered. But he had the same rough five o’clock shadow and the V-shaped back. In one hand, he held a blue umbrella identical to Charley’s, just like on the clouds.

When he turned around and noticed her behind him, he had the same handsome, dazzling green eyes.

And then he smiled at her. A broad, friendly smile, as if they were old friends.

“Charley?” he said. 

“Hunter,” she said. His smile brightened even more when he saw that she recognized him. Charley’s heart thundered so loud, she wondered if he could hear it. She placed a hand on her chest. “My God, it is you.”

“I’ve been…” he started. Hunter cleared his throat and stammered a bit. “I’ve wanted to see you again.”

“I thought of you every day,” Charley said.

A tense moment passed. They stared into each other’s eyes. The checkout clerk coughed. 

And then Charley grabbed him by the front of the shirt. He wrapped his arms around her.

She kissed him. 

And Charley knew she wouldn’t have to be alone tonight. Or any other night.

Charley was in the clouds again, metaphorically if not literally, and never wanted to come back down. 

***

Copyright © 2020 Hermit Muse Publishing

Cover image © conrado/BigStockPhoto

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